No Longer A Secret…Pearl Izumi’s Been Studying Ur-anus!

Ever vigilant on behalf of the hordes of Cycling-Review fans (short for fanatics!), I’ve uncovered a project previously known only to a handful of Astronomers and a bevy of Proctologists.

LOUISVILLE, COLO. (April 1, 2010) ­ It’s no secret. For millions of avid cyclists throughout the world, having a comfortable butt while riding your bike is critical, whether you’re commuting to work or competing in a grueling 100-mile leg of the Tour de France.

To that end, Pearl Izumi, a leading manufacturer of high performance biking apparel, is unveiling a top-secret program focused exclusively testing and developing new technology to increase the bottom-line performance for avid cyclists worldwide.

Working with leading professional cyclist Dave Zabriskie (aka DZ), creator of DZnuts chamois cream, and astronomer Peter Bosacker, Pearl Izumi is aiming to put its new Anatomic P.R.O. 4D Chamois® Technology on one of the harshest environments in the solar system — Uranus.

Through its top secret Project Uranus program, Pearl Izumi has spent years and millions of dollars in research and development to create the new anatomic chamois technology, which has been built with the potential of providing lasting comfort up to 1,607,000,000 miles, coincidentally, the same distance from Earth to Uranus.

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Last time I looked there were 116 Pearl Izumi items,
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Boldly going where no other cycling apparel maker dares to go, the Anatomic P.R.O. 4D Chamois by Pearl Izumi combines Pearl Izumi’s superior Pressure Relief Technology, breathable seamless four-way stretch, and advanced materials technology with the company’s enhanced precision anatomic shaping process.

The result is a chamois that features strategically placed padding to relieve pressure and dampen vibration; built-in stretch to move with the body without uncomfortable seams; advanced transfer fabric technology to better regulate temperature while controlling odor and bacteria; and three-dimensional precision anatomic shaping to conform perfectly to the rider’s anatomy and the shape of the saddle.

Anatomic P.R.O. 4D Chamois technology is exclusively available in Pearl Izumi’s P.R.O. Series ride jerseys, shorts, bib shorts, knickers and tights for men and women riders.

“We used computer pressure map testing to pinpoint the exact location, thickness and density of our chamois padding technology to key contact points for optimal short and long-distance riding comfort,” said Cache Mundy, lead director of Pearl Izumi’s top secret Project Uranus.

“This technology will dampen vibrations which can lead to rider fatigue and numbness, and will allow riding enthusiasts of all skill levels to reach their riding goals, whether it’s an epic ride with your local bike club, or long-distance treks to Uranus.”

The dramatic efforts behind Pearl Izumi”s top-secret Project Uranus program have been captured on a new video available at!

If you’re too lazy to get off your anus and click the link, the video has made it onto this page (imagine that!)

For guys who refuse to ‘grow up!’, the video is a two minute, forty one second event that’s a must see.

For those who are a bit more timid, and who may actually be in denial of Theiranus, the viewing may serve as a groin growing experience.

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